I feel like testimonies are the best when given by people who have walked through the trials and come out the other end. They can look back and see how God was faithful and why he allowed suffering in their lives. I am not in that place yet and cannot make sense of why God has me where He does right now. I don’t feel like rejoicing in His goodness; I feel like crying and stomping my feet. He’s heard, “It’s not fair,” a lot from me recently. I am ready. I have a plan. I have asked him repeatedly to bless my desires and begin propelling me toward a more joyful, meaningful life. However, I still feel stuck, frustrated and like I’m on course for irreparable emotional damage.
Yet, “My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed by your name.” I asked D on my birthday to help me think of areas he has seen growth in me since our marriage because I needed some material for the testimony I’m scheduled to give at Bible Study this week. He mentioned a few things, but what I really latched on to was what he said about my growth in service at our church. It was nice to hear him express observations of my contributions and hard work, but I thought more of how I feel assimilated into the church body as a result of my willingness to serve. The faces I see on Sunday feel more like my people because I have heard their pain, prayed with them, studied with them, planned with them, had fun with them, sung with them and cried with them. This is a recent feeling of belonging and I feel very blessed.
You would think that after all the times I have been the “new girl” in town that I would be a pro at finding new friends and learning how to fit it. Instead, I feel that it is a continual area of weakness for me. I have been here four years and am now finally starting to feel to home in my community? From saying hello, to thinking up something to say during our next conversation, to making time for fellowship, to asking for help, to being approachable, to sharing more intimate details of my life, I am terrible at making friends. I feel more like an acquired taste and not someone who people find an instant affinity to. However, despite all my shortcomings and barriers to meaningful relationships, I have been blessed with incredible friends all over the world. One of my dreams of heaven is getting all my friends together from my various stages (and places) of life and having them meet each other. Just the fact that they all share in common an appreciation for my tacky sense of humor, tells me that they’ll get along great and have a hootin’ good time!
I believe that the only reason I have quality friends is that God is faithful and meets my every need. Where I would expect someone to hang out with me only out of sympathy, there is genuine love and acceptance. I see the image of God in the love of my friends. I often do not feel deserving of their love and I definitely know that I am not deserving of God’s love. Let me tell you about some friendships that could only have come from God because I certainly was dropping the friendship ball.
As a freshman in college, I was determined not to let a lack of friends keep me in my dorm room. If I wanted to eat or go to an event, I would go alone. So here goes independent Jenae off to chapel. I’m sure I looked determined and probably somewhat intimidating to other freshmen who didn’t share my confidence. Halfway out of the dorm I hear a voice say, “Hey, are you going to chapel?” I turn to find another girl wanting to go along with me. OK. Change of plans. I’ll go to chapel with her so that she doesn’t have to sit alone. Wanting to reassure her, still not recognizing my own need for a companion, I sat with her in the balcony of the chapel even though I didn’t want to. I was actually thinking that if she wants to continue going to chapel with me, she’ll have to switch over to the ground floor at some time. Yet, despite my pride, ignorance of my needs, selfishness and independence, Stacy stuck it out, blessed me tremendously as a friend in college and continues to love me to this day.
Let’s just say my social etiquette has improved over the years, but I remain largely unconcerned about what most people think of me. This type of attitude did not make me popular in high school among hyper-self-conscience peers. However, despite the weird things I did, the embarrassing questions I asked and the general aura of oddness I projected, I still had friends. My friend Kelly told me that meeting me felt like finding the friend she always missed. My West Chicago friends befriended me despite the depression and reverse culture shock I was experiencing at that time. My friend Christine stuck with me even though she realized that there were much cooler kids to hang out with than me and had the opportunity to befriend them instead.
And then there is my current co-worker and friend, Pilar. Do you recall me saying that I feel, “stuck, frustrated and like I’m on course for irreparable emotional damage?” Pilar listens to my daily negativity. When I am feeling quick-tempered, she’s the one who takes my abrupt commands. She gets the brunt of my sarcastic, borderline mean jokes. Why does she then enjoy my company and refer to me as one of her closest friends?
God is sovereign and never intends for me to be alone. He has blessed me richly. I haven’t even mentioned the surplus of love I have from my husband, family and Bible study group.
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